Discovering the Higher Self
The Initiate
By the time I was 16, I began finding my focus in life. I started working part-time as an office assistant and going to school part-time at an alternative high school run by the Urban League. It was not long after this that I bought my first car! Momentum was gaining in my life and things were beginning to shift leading me closer on my quest for God.
I began to see my little sister in a different light. She was no longer the little brat that had to tag along with me everywhere I went. But in my eyes she became a very precious little soul. My constant thought was for her protection, and I would often find myself visiting her at my mother's home to check and make sure that they were both okay.
I would feel a deep pain in my heart, when I saw that my sister's hair was not combed or her she was not dressed well. I began to spend time taking her shopping, doing her hair and taking her to amusement parks. Some of my fondest memories are taking her to the Ice Capades and attending her elementary school graduation. Over the years, my little sister and I developed a bond unbreakable, and a love immeasurable in comparison.
One day, while I was still living in foster care, I received a call from my little sister. "Something, is wrong with mommy!" "What is it?" I asked. "I don't know, she won't wake up!" "Well, dial 911 immediately and I'm on my way!" I jumped in my car and rushed across town to where my mother and little sister lived. When I arrived there, the paramedics were in the house standing around my mother who appeared to be unconscious.
"Is this your mother?" a police officer asked me as other officers stood around giggling to themselves. "Yes, it is." I looked toward my mother and saw the paramedics flashing a light in her eyes as she continually answered with the word "what". "Mam, if you can hear me, I want you to open your eyes." My mother just sat there with her eyes closed and continued to mutter "what....what".
"Your mother is incoherent", a paramedic said to me. "What is incoherent." Well, it appears your mother has OD'd on heroin. "OD?" "Yes, OD means she has over dosed on narcotics, but we think she is going to be okay."
Everything in my mind goes blank after that memory. I don't know if it was simply the shock of the whole situation, but I do not know anything that happened after that. All I know is this was the first time I was absolutely sure my mother was a heroin addict. My heart was broken and I was afraid for my little sister. If anything, from that day forward, I was more tuned into both of them and desperately concerned for their survival. I do not remember being angry or upset. I only remember feeling a deep abiding pain and being extremely afraid.
Maybe it was my fear for my family's survival and my own uncertainty about our future that pushed me in my quest for God, but I needed answers and my family desperately needed help. I had to help us.
I began to notice that people were giving me these little booklets called bible tracts. They looked like comic strips that shared a biblical message. They were short and simple to read. They suddenly seemed to be everywhere I went. I would always pick them up and read them. The message was always the same, GOD LOVES YOU.
I always knew in my heart that there was a creator and we were all here for some reason. I just wasn't sure what it all meant. I had so many questions I wanted to ask God and most of all I wanted to understand God's love.
Shortly thereafter, I ran into a friend of mine who used to be a weed head. He walked up to me and said, praise the Lord Michelle! I looked at him amazed and said, "what"?
"I'm a Christian now." He told me. "Wow, that's great. Congratulations." I really was not sure how to respond but he seemed extremely happy. "Yes, I have not smoked any weed or had sex in 8 months!" "Wow, no sex?" I thought the idea of not having sex for 8 months was a tremendous feat. However, deep in my heart, I felt something resonating within me. I wanted what he had. I wanted that joy and the freedom to do what I knew was right without feeling bound by habit.
"Why don't you come to church with me on Sunday?" "I don't have a dress to wear." "That's okay, just come as you are." "Really?" "Sure, I will pick you up." And with much enthusiasm I replied, "Okay, its a date!" For some reason, I was very excited. Perhaps this will lead me to the answers I've been searching for. Maybe my life will change and get better. I couldn't wait til Sunday!
When Sunday came, I put on a mini-skirt because it was the closest thing to a dress that I had. Then I threw my cigarettes in my purse and went off to church. I had not been to a church since I was 12 and by this time I was 17 years old.
I remember sitting in the church and looking out the window trying to keep my eyes open. I was so bored, hungry, sleepy, anything I could think of seemed more interesting then listening to the sermon I was not hearing. I decided to go to the bathroom and smoke a cigarette. It never occurred to me that was an inappropriate thing to do.
Afterward, I returned to my seat. As I looked up at the minister, I could hear a voice in my heart saying, "now is the time for your life to change. Give your life to me and I will protect you the way that I have always protected you." I remembered the auto accident and how I believed it could have only been an angel that saved my life. I again heard the voice saying, "come to me."
I believed the voice had to be Jesus so I went up to the front of the church to receive special prayer and accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour. Little did I know that this initial act, was my initiation into a mystery that would continue to lead me down a path of self discovery and the ultimate reality of who I am, where I came from and why I am here.
Shortly thereafter, I ran into a friend of mine who used to be a weed head. He walked up to me and said, praise the Lord Michelle! I looked at him amazed and said, "what"?
"I'm a Christian now." He told me. "Wow, that's great. Congratulations." I really was not sure how to respond but he seemed extremely happy. "Yes, I have not smoked any weed or had sex in 8 months!" "Wow, no sex?" I thought the idea of not having sex for 8 months was a tremendous feat. However, deep in my heart, I felt something resonating within me. I wanted what he had. I wanted that joy and the freedom to do what I knew was right without feeling bound by habit.
"Why don't you come to church with me on Sunday?" "I don't have a dress to wear." "That's okay, just come as you are." "Really?" "Sure, I will pick you up." And with much enthusiasm I replied, "Okay, its a date!" For some reason, I was very excited. Perhaps this will lead me to the answers I've been searching for. Maybe my life will change and get better. I couldn't wait til Sunday!
When Sunday came, I put on a mini-skirt because it was the closest thing to a dress that I had. Then I threw my cigarettes in my purse and went off to church. I had not been to a church since I was 12 and by this time I was 17 years old.
I remember sitting in the church and looking out the window trying to keep my eyes open. I was so bored, hungry, sleepy, anything I could think of seemed more interesting then listening to the sermon I was not hearing. I decided to go to the bathroom and smoke a cigarette. It never occurred to me that was an inappropriate thing to do.
Afterward, I returned to my seat. As I looked up at the minister, I could hear a voice in my heart saying, "now is the time for your life to change. Give your life to me and I will protect you the way that I have always protected you." I remembered the auto accident and how I believed it could have only been an angel that saved my life. I again heard the voice saying, "come to me."
I believed the voice had to be Jesus so I went up to the front of the church to receive special prayer and accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour. Little did I know that this initial act, was my initiation into a mystery that would continue to lead me down a path of self discovery and the ultimate reality of who I am, where I came from and why I am here.
